Metamorphosis

Right now feels like I’m in a very transformative season.

I’ve been musing on the importance of belonging and what that does for one’s life. As someone who is adopted, I’ve been blessed with parents who never once made me feel as if I wasn’t their child or didn’t belong in their family.

As an adult, finding friends who truly love you for you, have no ulterior motives, encourage your growth, challenge perceptions and are genuinely happy for your wins, is priceless. Because of this, it’s allowed me to dig deep these last two years to try and find who I am at the core.

Much of my life, I would say my core was me being religious and doing the “right things”. I had a guide that was black and white and I “knew” what was expected of me to be “good.” I’m a perfectionist and fear failure to the point I would rather not try something because of the possibility of having major regrets.

But is this who I really want to be? I don’t know anymore and this causes angst, but also provides an opportunity to be uncomfortable and grow (both things I suck at).

What if I need to leave the only path I know to go explore? Will I get lost and find something more enticing or will I realize my prior path is who I am.

What happens if I do get lost, fail and have regrets? Will it be something that I can never recover from or will that be an aspect that I let shape me?

What if sometimes you do need to touch the fire to know it’s hot instead of just going off of what other people say? Does that make you worse because intellectually you knew the right answer or does that make you human and something you can come back from?

What if the way we consider the straight and narrow isn’t what we’ve always believed, but it has more to do with thinking critically and really interpreting for ourselves instead of trusting a pastor to be spiritually guided in their messages.

These are just a few thoughts floating around in my mind. For a decade, it feels as if I’ve been standing on this path that finally diverged with no map to know which way is right. I can’t go backwards because there is nothing there, forward is blocked and there is just a left or right. I finally think I’m ready to take the real first step off into the unknown. Up until this moment, I would say much of my pondering has been to prepare me to go one way or another.

Do I want failure and regrets, hell no. But I do want to know who I am at the core. Do I have actual values that when the storms come I would stand behind or are they all facades?

I guess this year will tell. Feeling like I belong has brought about a willingness to stretch my comfort zone.

To those who have put up with me, words cannot express how grateful I am for you and all your support. For listening to the many back and forth questions, doubts, insecurities and lack of trust. I know I’m a ball of anxiety and a lot, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Living in Gray

The last few weeks I’ve been able to step away, give myself the leeway to not be so rigid and let my brain rest (at least as much I can ever do). It’s been nice, but also has made me realize, what I feared may be reality.

There are many things that I don’t think I agree with when it comes to Christianity, but whether these are staple musts or man created rules leave me unsure. Everyday it feels like I am inching closer to being a statistic of those deconstructing. One half feels this might be needed and growth, the other doesn’t know if this is what I truly want but I don’t know if I want to fight it.

I don’t believe you can force yourself into being a Christian. You might be able to act the part, but at the end of the day it’s that, an act.

Warning that it could be a good time to stop, as below could have something triggering.

2023 was a lot of change for me which really started in the summer of 22.

• My thinking on abortion changed
• My views of politics is continually shifting
• Thoughts regarding sexuality and why some things are given a pass and others are aberrant is adjusting
• My views on immigration are different
• How I think of the Bible is not necessarily what I was taught and still something I’m struggling to understand.

The above may sound dumb for those who haven’t experienced a high controlling religion. These were things we knew to be black and white, and one way meant you were a good Christian, the other meant you were questionable.

I came across a Reddit on some people discussing deconstructing and the verse John 2:19 was used which (paraphrasing) basically said, that there are those among Christian’s that go out, but aren’t really from them. If they were, they wouldn’t have left.

Can you honestly feel that you’ve given your life over, lived it for years but then find out you never were? I see where one side looks at this verse and looks at those like me and says, well obviously she was never saved. I didn’t stay, I haven’t been able to go back and after all this time I’m still waivering.

Even now at 35, I can honestly say, there was a chunk of time I would say I was “saved” my faith was real before all the cult bullshit.

Does some blame get to be put on those who assisted in beating us down and leading us astray? I know a good portion is on me and I’m not looking to pass the buck, but isn’t there stronger consequences for those who feel “called” but do things for their own gain?

This is just one verse of many that I don’t know if I agree with or how to potentially interpret. For other verses, I then wonder if it’s a core value that has to be accepted or is it one that will vary and there is grace given.

In many ways I feel how I am now is one of the most healthy versions I’ve seen of myself but the voice in the shadows tells me its because I’m too worldly and doing what the “flesh” wants.

I wish I was a carefree individual. That I could go off, throw a few years away and make mistakes to find where I should land, but anyone who knows me, knows I’m more calculated and planned. I try to have as few major regrets as possible.