It’s Been a While

It’s been a long time since I’ve visited here…wasn’t sure I was ever going to come back. There are a lot of memories I have written throughout my blog journey. Much of it for me is still something I cringe at when I think of where I’ve come from and what I went through. Even with that said though, I’ve had an epiphany tonight which is, well, one of the reasons I wanted to come back and write a post. This is more for me to have so that maybe one day I will come back and look at what I’ve written and to see the great strides made and how things all connected to bring me where ever I am going.

For anyone who reads or may even care, yes, I am still working on that “great American novel.” It has been a WIP off and on for 6 years but I just can’t find myself ready to give up the character, world or the journey. I find myself drawn to the main character, because much like myself, we can’t seem to find where it is that we really belong or what it is that we are supposed to do, which may be the cause of this book never getting finished. Hoping that changes soon though as I get ready for a new round of revisions and a total overhaul of the current story.

In this time of thinking and revisions, there is something that I have realized. I still find stories of suicide missions to be appealing and something that I think makes a great tale. That hero who faces certain destruction, yet, they can’t help but throw all they have to try and stand up for what they believe in, never ceases to bore me. Being the nerd I am, Mass Effect would be the story I continue to go back to play over and over again. I have also found that I tend to like stories with endings that are sad (though not all the time) or real like Ender’s Game or the Hunger Games. As I’ve sat and considered the stories I’m drawn to and what it is that I want to write, it dawned on me why I love these scenarios and how they in ways mirror much of the struggle that has been my life.

While I may not have stood up for a great injustice being committed or have made a huge impact, in a way I threw myself into a scenario that there was no way for me to come out of  as anything but a loser. My time at SGM was at least for my life my personal suicide mission. Trying to speak out against where we were heading to my “friends” and leaders was a battle I was never going to win. I pretty much was a lone solider standing in front of an army that had realized I was now a traitor to their country. Still to this day I don’t regret a thing in regards to how I handled this situation or what I said but in this type of situation no one really wins though in the long run I think I’m better off.


Suicide missions have appeal though. I think if many of us were faced with actually going on one we wouldn’t want to be put in that position. In the end the hero typically gives up everything to make the world they leave a better place for those they love, which is what we are more familiar with when it comes to these stories. But what if there is another option? What happens when the hero gives up everything only to lose to the opposing side? It isn’t something that is often played out (at least in the stories I’m acquainted with) because who wants to see something depressing like that?

All of that got me thinking, real life doesn’t always let the “hero” win out in the end. Most of the time if we stand up for what we believe it doesn’t usually turn out with us “winning.” With all this floating around I began to wonder, what if it isn’t about the fight and standing up for what we believe as much as it is about the people we touch as we try to do what we believe. What if the end result isn’t whether we have changed the mind of our target, but instead is about if we made a difference in the life of someone around us?

I don’t believe I made a difference what so ever by standing up and speaking out. Does that mean all that time, the struggle and pain were for nothing? It could very well be…or maybe just maybe there is someone I touched whether in that setting or somewhere else down the line that I’ll make a small difference in their life. Who knows…maybe I just spent the last 30 minutes writing this to just run my thoughts in circles. Either way, I found this epiphany to be oddly interesting. For a person who likes purpose in their life it provides a small piece of comfort that maybe there is something I’ll have done with my life by the time it’s all over.


Graduation & Life

Its hard to believe that graduation is almost here…I’ve waited for this moment for so long but I’m not sure that I’m ready for this next step.

Right now there are so many things up in the air, that its hard to focus and figure out what I should be doing with my life. Going into the field of film doesn’t really leave one with a specific route. There are some who go looking for work out in LA, which is definitely something I’ve considered doing with a friend of mine who will be graduating this winter. I think this would be a great opportunity to try something new and scary (which I don’t do very often) but there are a lot of things to consider when it comes to moving across the country.

Over the last five months, my family has been in two big battles. The first my dad hasn’t worked in about 2 years and we’ve had to go onto State healthcare. Because we had to switch to our State’s healthcare, we have been fighting them to lower the cost of my prescription (I can’t live without this medicine) which right now costs us $2200-2400 every three months. When my dad had a job, it was costing us $90 for a three month supply. The problem is, I can’t take the generic brand (I’ve tried multiple times) because it doesn’t work on me. My mom has spent the last five months fighting and searching every avenue for a way to get the price lowered. She’s tried calling the pharmaceutical company, talking to our state senator and delegate, contacting compound labs, ect but nothing has changed. It’s come to the point that she had to start a gofundme page since we can’t afford my next perscription this December. Needless to say, this is a big factor to what will happen after graduation.

I’ve been offered freelance work here and a possible job, which has only left me more clueless as to what is the right option for me at this stage in my life. On the one hand, if I can work once I get out of school, I can help my parents financially and ease up some of the burden they’ve been going through since the stress of my medicine has been added onto an already insane year. But then on the flip side to that, if by some miracle my medicine is covered for the years of next year or the co-pay gets lowered, that might be the time to try a move to LA since I won’t have to worry about how I’ll get my next prescription and there are more job opportunities in what I specifically want to do.

Working in film doesn’t guarantee or even provide me with any sort of company healthcare which is a big factor when it comes to making the right decision. With all the variables floating around though it is nearly impossible to figure any of this out…but then again I guess this is what most seniors are feeling as they get ready to enter this volatile economy.

These should be an interesting next couple of months.

Over this last year I was determined to land an internship for experience and networking purposes and I was able to spend each semester at a different place with different focuses. I am grateful for the opportunities I was given and for the offers of potential work (freelance and a possible job). I’m just not sure anymore what is the right choice


These are just a fraction of the many stories out there of those who have been wounded by SGM. They are heartbreaking and overwhelming.

Those lives and stories are the ones Mr. Duncan said to “ignore” when people were questioning whether C.J. was fit to lead.

“I would then encourage you to ignore the assaults of wounded people on attack websites and blogs, and that you discount the opinings of those who have no real knowledge of these matters or relation to SGM or authority to comment upon them, and that you refrain from assuming that you (or they) are in a position to render judgment on these things.” (

The wounded are finally being heard and what was once hidden in darkness is being brought to light.

SGM gets Served

As always, it has been forever since I updated my blog. Life has been hectic this year as I’ve journeyed into my last semester in college. But anyway that is all for another post.

Last night I received news that SGM is finally being slapped with a lawsuit. You can read one of the many articles here and the actual lawsuit  here.

It doesn’t surprise me that it has come to this. The patriarchal and suppressive environment that SGM has created and their stubbornness to listen to God, has brought them to this place. I’d love to know what my “friends” think about this article. When I first heard Noel’s story I was horrified. I shared it with those I still cared about in my former church, in hopes that theirs eyes would begin to open, but the only reply I got back was that this was just one side of the story and the blogs were bad with people who were disgruntled with the organization.

It boggled my mind that instead of compassion being their first reaction to what society considers one of the most horrendous crimes, they shifted blame to those sharing their story. This won’t be something SGM can hide or dismiss. I have nothing but respect for the three women who stepped forward. It takes a lot of courage to shed light on what has been hidden for over two decades.

I have no pity or sympathy for the leaders. They were given countless times to do the right thing instead, they defended their jobs and sided with the perpetrators.  God won’t be mocked.

Redemption Groups and Driscoll Quote

The Wartburg Watch has done it again and written another really good blog post taking a closer look into Redemption Groups and a quote by Mark Driscoll. If you’re interested in finding out more, here is the link

I highly recommend checking out this blog.

The one thing, that is glaringly obvious about these groups, is they are set up exactly like SGM’s care groups. The funny thing is that there is relatively little actual caring that goes on in these groups. Upon first glance, at care groups, they seem like this wonderful thing, after all they are set up to help encourage and bring accountability to your life as you try and focus on walking in godliness but, in all reality, these groups are bondage. Instead of feeling that “care”, these groups are a breeding ground for gossip and anything that was shared is passed up the chain of command. Because of these reasons, I never shared anything too personal.

I had friends who would share struggles, in confidence, only to have someone random in the church come up to them and mention they heard about their situation. I had another friend who spent a year of her life seriously in a bad place and when she asked for accountability, prayer and verses to be sent her way because she no longer had a desire to live, she spent the next few months never once hearing from these oh so “caring” people in her group or the adults who were overseeing us college aged kids.

Still, to this day, it upsets me that had myself and two other people not been proactive in this situation, my friend might not still be here.

Information is power. SGM knows this and other churches are beginning to implement groups similar to care groups because it provides the leader with ammunition they need if there comes a time to throw someone in the church under the bus.

For many out there, they won’t believe a word I’m saying. After all, I’m just a wounded individual who isn’t being very “Christ like” and probably not a “Christian” based on the fruit of my blog post 😉 I understand, I used to be that person a long time ago. I would stick my head in the sand and trust my pastors because my church was the real deal, but what I didn’t realize, was that while I was busy making excuses and looking the other way, my leaders were taking me down a path away from God.

They were using Sunday sermons, peer pressure and care groups to distort the scriptures in a slow and subtle way so that things appeared biblical when, in actuality, they were twisting the Bible for their own personal gain.

It’s a sad day for the church when we as Christians stand up for our pastors because we’ve been taught that our job is to protect them. It’s a sad day for the church when comments like this are made and they don’t make us sick and disgusted:

“Here’s what I’ve learned. You cast vision for your mission, and if people don’t sign up, you move on. You move on. There are people that are gonna die in the wilderness, and there are people that are gonna take the hill. That’s just how it is. Too many guys waste too much time trying to move stiff necked, stubborn, obstinate people. I am all about blessed subtraction. There is a pile of dead bodies behind the Mars Hill bus (chuckle), and by God’s grace, it’ll be a mountain by the time we’re done…. ‎You either get on the bus, or you get run over by the bus. Those are the options.” -(Driscoll speaking as transcribed by the Sola Sisters)

How is it that we have let ourselves be led by men like this who make light of the people they’ve wounded? How is it that we’ve allowed ourselves to come to a place where we actually defend these “men of God” who care nothing for the hurting but instead care more about maintaining their image?

If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is injustice and abuse of others. The more I watch and read what is occurring in the body of Christ the more I am convinced that we have found a new idol to worship, pastors/the church.

I no longer have anything left to lose. I’m a shell of who I used to be trying to find my way back, but just because I’m down doesn’t mean I’ll be silent. If there was ever a time Christian’s should be vigilant in calling out the crap that is coming from the pulpit it is now.

Is the World Ending?

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but…I think I may check out a church this coming Sunday.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve kind of felt an interest in just seeing what it’s like to step foot in a church again. While I am interested now, I am sure that come Sunday my mood won’t be as hopeful. I’m not ready to worship.  Not sure if I’m ready to listen to someone preach and I definitely don’t know if I can deal with the greeters or believe that people are genuine. If I don’t know if I can handle it or am ready, why then am I going? I don’t think this Sunday will be a game changer for me and I don’t think I’m ready to go regularly to a church or be super involved, but this is the first time in a two years that I’ve been interested in trying a church. Because of that reason, I think it’s worth a shot and to see what happens.


13 Years

Today marks the anniversary of the Columbine shootings.

Taking time to sit and reflect on the impact and influence Rachel Scott had on my life made me realize something. While I probably say this every year, Rachel Scott’s story not only changed and challenged my teen years but, it also probably saved me in more ways than one.

In middle & high school I needed someone to look up to. I needed someone who wasn’t a bad girl gone good, as that was something I couldn’t relate to at all.  I needed someone who saw more to life than what is on the surface and Rachel was that person. Through much of my late teen years, I found myself able to relate to a lot of what she had voiced in her journals and was encouraged by the depth of her relationship with God. It was something I wanted. Something I craved.

During my sophomore and junior year, it became something I experienced.  Honestly, I think it was during this time that my foundation was built on something solid. Little did I know, at that time, that the next few years would cause so much damage or that I would be building a “house on a foundation of sand.”

I don’t know where I stand right now, nor how to get back to where I was…if I am honest, I am not sure I’m even ready to be back at that point.  But, if there is one thing I do know, it is that Rachel’s life and legacy let me see who God really was, unlike Grace where they started distorting His character and using fear tactics to keep us dependent on them, instead of God.

At this point in time, I may not be able to move past the damage done by those teachings but, if it wasn’t for Rachel’s life and example, I don’t think I’d have a chance at all in finding my way eventually back home.


Wow, it has been a while since I last wrote. Things this semester have been insane. Since this is the first semester of my senior year, I’ve been busy juggling 2 production classes, a level 400 writing class, finance (which is the worst business class) and working about 14+ hours a week at my internship. So this semester has been just a tad stressful, but at the same time rewarding.

Looking at who I am now, I can definitely see a  changes…though I am sure some people would argue it isn’t necessarily the best.  I am still trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in. Sometimes I’m jealous of the people who have managed to get it back together…I don’t know how to get to that point, but I also don’t know if I am ready to be back there either. So yep, pretty much in the same place.

Besides that, I have been loving some of the challenges that have come my way. While I wasn’t sure electronic field production would be a good match for me, I must say that I am really enjoying that class. I had some doubts at the beginning of the year. Wasn’t sure if  this was really the right career for me to be in, but after spending time working on productions for class, I know it is. I absolutely loving being part of something creative. Whether I land a job in this industry though will be another story.

Filming our Take Away Show




Well as always it has been a while since I updated my blog. This past semester it felt like I was taking 3 lvl 400 classes when in actuality I only had one. Definitely was a long and tough, but I really enjoyed 3 out of the 4 classes, so it made it worth the pain, especially since my Producer class is dealt with what I want to do with my major.

This fall has been a stressful one since a) my dad has been out of work since August (he has actually only worked about 2 1/2 months this year) and b) I only have a year left of college and have no idea what I am going to do when I get out. With the economy in bad shape I know a lot of college students worry about finding a job, but being a film major adds on extra stress. Unlike business, nursing, teaching, ect getting your foot in the door for working in this field is a lot harder. It has more to do with who you know than what you know.  I could have one of the greatest work ethics, but if I can’t get my foot in the door in either a job or internship, it won’t mean anything once I graduate. My professors are also very keen on reminding us students that most of what we will find once we graduate is freelance work and that we are up against a lot of other very talented people out there, so yeah hearing that over and over again and looking at my less than amazing resume definitely added some pressure.

One of the things that I had been praying for this semester is that God would show me where to go or what I am supposed to do.  Fast forward to November, in my Producer class we had a guy come in who owns his own company here in MD (MD isn’t great for film work) and who also mentioned having a program for interns. I was both nervous and excited since his company takes things from development through to distribution which is awesome and the program would be right up my alley. Most of the internship opportunities that arise seem to be editing, field work, or being an assistant on sets which is a great opportunity, but at times they require you to have a resume. So I made a mental note to try and contact him unsure whether I had a chance to even get an interview, but when one of my classmates asked how he prepares himself to pitch an idea to a client for funding…his answer was that he is a believer and he prays before he goes into a meeting. That right there to me was kind of like a door being opened, not only was this internship one that I wanted and fit into what my major was but the man who owned the company was a believer as well.

So I went home excited and told the news to my mom. She listened and just happened to ask what the man’s name was and once I told her who it was, she laughed because it ends up that his parents live at the end of our street and my parents knew him (though it had been a while) from young life or something like that. Long story short, my dad called him to put in a good word for me, my professor this semester put in a good word for me (since my boss is good friends with my professor) and I got the internship. It is six months, non paid which most are and will provide me with not only work experience but some good contacts as well.  I’ve been at DBM Communications for almost a month and absolutely love what I do! It definitely lets me know that I’ve picked the right field to be in since I get the opportunity to be creative while using my business sense to bring  a story to life.  Even if working in the film industry doesn’t pan out for me, I’ve learned some valuable skills and have a back up plan of applying for a marketing, writing or producing at Bioware 😉




I still struggle with figuring out where I stand and how I am supposed to work through all this deprogramming or whatever you prefer to call it


Desecration- To divert from sacred to a profane use or purpose ( definition).

This is one of my new favorite words. It is also the current working title of my script that if everything works out will be the project I shoot after I graduate from college.

No matter how hard I try and move away from what has been desecrated…I always seem to get stuck once again wrestling with who/what I am now. This has particularly been an issue as I try and write out my script. Long story short, I am writing a drama that has to deal with the problems within the institutionalized organization known as the Christian church. Definitely not something easy to take on, but it is something that needs to be looked at, especially this newer reformed movement and the best way I know how to do this is through writing. Of course, with this journey, like any writing journey, it is a self exploration as well, which has caused me no end of wrestling as I try and figure out what I think and feel.

You see, I am at a very odd place in life and I hate being caught in the grey area. Growing up, I always believed that if you were a carnal Christian you weren’t saved…unfortunately, I also didn’t think too highly of people who watched/listened to secular music either. I know I was a total hypocrite and there is no end to the cringing I do when I look back at the old me, but while I am repulsed at that old person,I am not sure how I feel about this new me. I cannot for the life of me figure out where I fall or what I am. The men, I used to respec,t have desecrated what Christianity is and should look like in action. They taught and implied there was only one way to really be a believer and they based it off of works you did, instead of the free gift of salvation, all the while sending mixed signals to us on how we could tell if we were “truly saved.” All of this has left me cynical and even several years down the road, I cannot help but be repulsed by a lot of what I see.  The stories of people from my generation who have grown up in this organization show just how screwed up the teachings are from this reformed movement.

Believe it or else (as my dad would say :-P), I don’t want my story to be too cynical and I want it to have a balance of respect, while I also point out the flaws. My main target isn’t the secular market. I mean, after all, any time you put the words Christian and scandal together, people flock to it because who doesn’t like to watch hypocritical people fall? Instead, I want this to be a story that causes  Christians to think. I want them to start questioning their leaders when things don’t add up. I want them to start standing up for the least of these, instead of being swept away by “christian stars.” I want people to start thinking for themselves instead of trusting that these so called “leaders” know what they are talking about in any and all situations. There are probably other points I would love to make, but, if people only take one thing away, I want them to think. Too often we get comfortable if we feel secure and that is when we let ourselves go and it is in that moment we let the wolves in.

I am sure that I will piss off people with the topics, I am choosing, to cover in my story. Some may see this as being christian bashing and that it will “push non-believers further away from Christianity.” My reply, to that, is that the current Christian culture is already doing a good job of that on their own by being hypocritical, judgmental, and requiring others to be honest while they themselves don’t show any humility or honesty. Of course, as I say all this, I do keep in mind that five years ago I would have been that person arguing those points. Maybe this is the cycle that will just continue to play until it all ends and maybe my voice is pointless but even if that is true I would rather waste my breath than remain silent. Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” It is a shame that so many good leaders have turned their backs on the truth and have let evil desecrate that which is Holy.

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