It’s been a long time since I’ve visited here…wasn’t sure I was ever going to come back. There are a lot of memories I have written throughout my blog journey. Much of it for me is still something I cringe at when I think of where I’ve come from and what I went through. Even with that said though, I’ve had an epiphany tonight which is, well, one of the reasons I wanted to come back and write a post. This is more for me to have so that maybe one day I will come back and look at what I’ve written and to see the great strides made and how things all connected to bring me where ever I am going.
For anyone who reads or may even care, yes, I am still working on that “great American novel.” It has been a WIP off and on for 6 years but I just can’t find myself ready to give up the character, world or the journey. I find myself drawn to the main character, because much like myself, we can’t seem to find where it is that we really belong or what it is that we are supposed to do, which may be the cause of this book never getting finished. Hoping that changes soon though as I get ready for a new round of revisions and a total overhaul of the current story.
In this time of thinking and revisions, there is something that I have realized. I still find stories of suicide missions to be appealing and something that I think makes a great tale. That hero who faces certain destruction, yet, they can’t help but throw all they have to try and stand up for what they believe in, never ceases to bore me. Being the nerd I am, Mass Effect would be the story I continue to go back to play over and over again. I have also found that I tend to like stories with endings that are sad (though not all the time) or real like Ender’s Game or the Hunger Games. As I’ve sat and considered the stories I’m drawn to and what it is that I want to write, it dawned on me why I love these scenarios and how they in ways mirror much of the struggle that has been my life.
While I may not have stood up for a great injustice being committed or have made a huge impact, in a way I threw myself into a scenario that there was no way for me to come out of as anything but a loser. My time at SGM was at least for my life my personal suicide mission. Trying to speak out against where we were heading to my “friends” and leaders was a battle I was never going to win. I pretty much was a lone solider standing in front of an army that had realized I was now a traitor to their country. Still to this day I don’t regret a thing in regards to how I handled this situation or what I said but in this type of situation no one really wins though in the long run I think I’m better off.
Suicide missions have appeal though. I think if many of us were faced with actually going on one we wouldn’t want to be put in that position. In the end the hero typically gives up everything to make the world they leave a better place for those they love, which is what we are more familiar with when it comes to these stories. But what if there is another option? What happens when the hero gives up everything only to lose to the opposing side? It isn’t something that is often played out (at least in the stories I’m acquainted with) because who wants to see something depressing like that?
All of that got me thinking, real life doesn’t always let the “hero” win out in the end. Most of the time if we stand up for what we believe it doesn’t usually turn out with us “winning.” With all this floating around I began to wonder, what if it isn’t about the fight and standing up for what we believe as much as it is about the people we touch as we try to do what we believe. What if the end result isn’t whether we have changed the mind of our target, but instead is about if we made a difference in the life of someone around us?
I don’t believe I made a difference what so ever by standing up and speaking out. Does that mean all that time, the struggle and pain were for nothing? It could very well be…or maybe just maybe there is someone I touched whether in that setting or somewhere else down the line that I’ll make a small difference in their life. Who knows…maybe I just spent the last 30 minutes writing this to just run my thoughts in circles. Either way, I found this epiphany to be oddly interesting. For a person who likes purpose in their life it provides a small piece of comfort that maybe there is something I’ll have done with my life by the time it’s all over.