This time of year for some reason always brings lots of feelings. It was the start to an end of the only life I knew, the friendships I had grown up with and the foundation I was raised on.
In April I posted that this was a year of discovery for me and the last 6 months have definitely proved that to be correct.
I realize that in many ways I am a healthier (maybe not spiritually) and more contented person, but at the same time I have no idea who I am. It is odd this dichotomy inside and I guess that comes with the territory of growth.
Last year I was blessed with finding a lifelong best friend. I had known her for a while, but circumstances in life at the beginning of the year changed the trajectory of our friendship. She’s someone who makes me feel like I belong, which growing up, I now realize was spent just trying to fit in. She challenges my bad habits and supports my growth. It’s because of her encouragement and input, that I’ve taken more steps to growing and changing as a person.
I’ve also reconnected with a high school friend who went through the same religious experience and is currently in their own journey of deconstructing. Having someone who understands the pain, damage and confusion, and can share where they’ve been growing has been extremely helpful.
It’s taken me almost 15 years to finally come to a place that I might finally have to admit that I don’t know where I’m going and maybe I just need to be okay with that.
I don’t believe that doing things because of fear is the correct way or gets you the outcome you want. I’m starting to challenge a lot of what I’ve been taught. Looking at the source material not translated by version, but word for word. I’m doing my own searching and research based on that and not others interpretations. I don’t have as many black and white answers and think a lot more is in the gray. While I prefer knowing definites, I think this is more of what real living looks like in action.
Why am I even writing this? I think about that every time I consider putting something up. I don’t expect anyone to pay attention to my ramblings, but I think it’s important to write down. Partially for my own record to look back at, and because I think we all have a story to tell in escaping cults and Christian nationalism. Our stories are all different, they won’t be the same though some elements will be similar. We won’t come to the same conclusion’s and our faiths may not even look anything like what we thought to be “right” and “true.” That said, I honestly believe, being able to see the different struggles, thoughts and journeys of others can very much help no matter where we are on the path.
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