The longer I am out of SGM/GCC, the more I realize how much I have kept hidden. Before, I never really knew who I was and I didn’t allow myself to be comfortable being me.
Growing up there was always a hierarchy with the people I considered my “friends.” It wasn’t spoken of and people would deny it, but it was obvious. By high school it made things weird in many ways. For those unfamiliar, I was home schooled through high school and so were my friends. This meant we spent a lot of time together at church, youth group, and co-op. All of this contact made us (they would consider friends) very close acquaintances.
My Sophomore year is when I think I really started hiding who I was and I began putting on a facade. There were other things that lead to this ,of course. By this time, I was 15 and my interests were different than my peers. I have never been a person who follows the crowd, I will stand up for what I believe, no matter how unlikely it is that I have a chance of winning and I don’t let others tell me what to do. That being said though, growing up in an environment where depravity is the main thing that is taught and being encouraged in subtle ways to conform to a “specific” mold, can still mess with your mind no matter how strong you are.
Yesterday, as I was painting, I started to realize that I am tired of feeling like I have to apologize for who I am. My close friends and family know this about me but, I decided it was time to put it in writing. I am a closet hard core gamer (and here you were probably thinking I was going to share something juicy 
) Now when I say hardcore, I mean I am into things like- Heavy Rain, Mass Effect trilogy, KOTOR, Fallout3, Elder Scrolls & some mmo’s like LOTRO (I’ve met some awesome friends on this game 
) and SWTOR.
Doesn’t seem like a big deal, does it? Maybe for some it isn’t, but as a teen my “friends” would roll their eyes, make remarks and remind me that a Christian music group I liked, at the time, was my idol. The reason? Because I viewed them as my role models, bought a lot of their stuff and would go to their concerts twice a year with my mom for mother/ daughter trips. Getting tired of these reactions, I learned it was better just to curb whatever I said to the people around me and just hide whatever wouldn’t be “acceptable” to them. So for me this is a big,little step (oxymoron, I know).
I do have to say, I have truly been blessed with awesome parents who have never tried to make me be more girly or whatever. They have never rolled their eyes at who I look up to or made condescending remarks about what I do with my time. I am actually harder on myself than they would be. I am also fortunate to be in a major where I am surrounded by people who don’t really care what you are interested in…this is what I get for picking a more creative major
Its freeing getting to know yourself and coming to a place where you are okay with who you were made to be. I am sure there are other areas that are hidden that I need to wrestle with and conquer but for now, I will take each step that comes my way.
