Notwsetapart’s Weblog

It is hard to explain the mountain of emotions I am currently feeling after spending countless hours digging through the 500+ pages of Brent’s documents. So please bear with me as I try. (This may be a long post)

On the one hand, my heart is filled with joy. For the last 5 years or so, I have been in a struggle with myself, with God, and with the years upon years of teachings I heard at my former church. I have especially struggled ever since that message in the fall of 07 (I believe) on Doubt given at the youth meeting. Since that moment and after leaving, I could never shake or get rid of the doubt that was instilled in my heart by a pastor. I had grown up in a social surrounding where your spiritual health and your proclamation of faith was based on how often you went to church, care group, and how often you spilled your guts and sins to everyone in your group. As my eyes were being opened, I struggled with being the “godly” person by trying to follow all of the rules, but I failed miserably as God had placed me in a tough season. My dad had been out of work for almost a year, I was working 20-30 plus hours a week to help out financially  and I was attending college full-time. I couldn’t keep up with the pace of what was happening and remain the good Christian by SGM’s and Grace Community’s standard. To make things worse, at this time, pretty much all the people I thought of as friends had completely dropped me because “out of sight out of mind”. It was at this time that I fell into a depression and seriously considered ending it all…it was  so bad that I can specifically recall a time when my mom had left to go help my grandmother and I was tempted to call her home because I didn’t trust myself alone. The only thing that stopped me from calling her was that if I planned on committing suicide then I was going to be successful at doing it and I didn’t want anyone to stop me. I honestly can say I don’t remember what walked me down from that moment, but something did.

Fast forward a few months, things were slightly better I no longer was as depressed as before, but now my eyes were fully opened. At this time, God was faithful to bring me a long time friend (we knew each other, but not really) to walk through this time with and to make things easier. She was also questioning similar things. We were able to walk through this time, challenging, praying and encouraging each other. For the last year and a half that I remained at Grace, I brought my observations to my so called “friends”, care group leaders, and I even brought my concerns for the teens to the youth pastor (at that time I was serving the high school aged youth and had close relationships with some of them) and to the senior pastor. Needless to say, if you have been in SGM ,you know how those discussions go. I had no faith God would actually move and soften their hearts or open their eyes, but I did what I felt He called me to do and that was warn them. Of course, as I continued to try and warn them (I also did this for a month or two after I left) I was accused of causing dissention, of taking other’s offenses and not listening to both sides of the story, gossip and slandering, and of course a pastor had to meet with my former care group about an e-mail I sent outlining my concern for where the church was heading. In that e-mail, I did not get into any specifics and posted at the end if anyone wanted to talk, I was willing. I did so that those who actually wanted to know would and those who wanted to stay blind could remain so. My parents who had also left at this time had sent an e-mail to the senior pastor (who we had known 20+ years) and since my dad did not want to discuss in person his concerns because he knew how the meeting would go, was accused of being unbiblical in how he handled the situation.

Since leaving, I have struggled with whether or not I am a Christian. I have struggled because of the doubts that were given to me by a pastor. I have struggled because of the twisted scripture I was fed for years. I have struggled because of the man centered and sin-sniffing environment that was created and followed by men, who may have started out godly, but had been corrupted by their own fleshly desires.

Even though I have met wonderful Christians on survivors and refuge who also could back up the spiritual abuse stories across different states, the fight was still hard. Because spiritual abuse is just that ,spiritual, people cannot see it, therefore, they are less likely to believe what you have to say. They would rather think “the best” of their leaders than believe that people have been severely wounded. As a Cricket commercial once said, “It’s like being kicked while your down. With a boot…made of fishhooks.”

This documents is the physical proof (which I know many will still not believe) that what I had shared is truth. God is bringing to light the corruption in the SGM leadership and he is illuminating how that has trickled down to the pastors in SGM churches all over. Of course, there have been some pastors who have seen, spoken out and been abused as well. Our Father is vindicating his children who have been wounded. He is answering their prayers for a cleansing of his temple!

For the first time in years, I have no doubt. I have spoken the truth and God is bringing to light that truth through these documents http://www.scribd.com/sgmwikileaks . For the first time in years I am free and it doesn’t matter what others want to say or what others accuse me of because God has brought to light the truth behind the type of men that lead SGM. There are still a lot of things I will need to work through when it comes to minor details, but having a soul that is no longer filled with the cancer of doubt is more then enough for me.

While this post may seem that I am “gloating” for those still buried deep in the SGM machine, let me assure you, I know my heart and it is far from gloating. Rejoicing that God is bringing things to light? Yes, but gloating, far from it. While my heart my be filled with joy at seeing God’s hand at work, it is also heavy with sadness and anger. I am deeply angered at the harm that has been wrought upon God’s children in His name. It sickens me to think of how long I and others have been duped by men parading around in sheep’s clothing. 1 Timothy 4:1-2, “Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons, through the insincerity of liars whose consciences are seared…” If you take a good look and pay attention, it becomes obvious that the men in these documents have seared consciences and have lied repeatedly over the span of years both in private and at the pulpit.

It saddens me to think of all the money I have tithed that has kept these men going when instead I could have been using it for people who were really in need. It saddens me that there were children abused both physically and spiritually and no one stood up for them in their time of need. It saddens me that there are those who have committed suicide because they could no longer take the legalistic mindset and they knew they couldn’t measure up so they saw death as their only option out. It saddens me that those who sought accountability, encouragement and prayer for their depression were never checked up upon and left to walk that path alone (this reference pertains to other people I know). It saddens me that there are people who are still blind who will remain that way because to accept the documents as truth, will mean they have been living a lie and worshipping the church and a man instead of God. It saddens me that men have pitted Christian’s against each other just so their reputation and integrality would seem to be spotless even though it wasn’t.

The constant flip flop of my emotions right now leaves me in a constant state of wonder. How thankful I am that God listens to His sheep and has a heart for the wounded. I continue to pray that those who are blind will have the scales removed from their eyes. That the pastors who have lied to secure their own personal gain will step down and repent to all those who they have hurt and I pray that God would instill in all of us the Berean spirit so that we may not be duped again by wolves seeking to devour us!