Notwsetapart’s Weblog

13 Years

April 21, 2012 at 3:3 8 (Life, My Spiritual life)

Today marks the anniversary of the Columbine shootings.

Taking time to sit and reflect on the impact and influence Rachel Scott had on my life made me realize something. While I probably say this every year, Rachel Scott’s story not only changed and challenged my teen years but, it also probably saved me in more ways than one.

In middle & high school I needed someone to look up to. I needed someone who wasn’t a bad girl gone good, as that was something I couldn’t relate to at all. I needed someone who saw more to life than what is on the surface and Rachel was that person. Through much of my late teen years, I found myself able to relate to a lot of what she had voiced in her journals and was encouraged by the depth of her relationship with God. It was something I wanted. Something I craved.

During my sophomore and junior year, it became something I experienced. Honestly, I think it was during this time that my foundation was built on something solid. Little did I know, at that time, that the next few years would cause so much damage or that I would be building a “house on a foundation of sand.”

I don’t know where I stand right now, nor how to get back to where I was…if I am honest, I am not sure I’m even ready to be back at that point. But, if there is one thing I do know, it is that Rachel’s life and legacy let me see who God really was, unlike Grace where they started distorting His character and using fear tactics to keep us dependent on them, instead of God.

At this point in time, I may not be able to move past the damage done by those teachings but, if it wasn’t for Rachel’s life and example, I don’t think I’d have a chance at all in finding my way eventually back home.

Leave a Comment

2012

April 10, 2012 at 3:3 8 (Film, Life)

Wow, it has been a while since I last wrote. Things this semester have been insane. Since this is the first semester of my senior year, I’ve been busy juggling 2 production classes, a level 400 writing class, finance (which is the worst business class) and working about 14+ hours a week at my internship. So this semester has been just a tad stressful, but at the same time rewarding.

Looking at who I am now, I can definitely see a changes…though I am sure some people would argue it isn’t necessarily the best. I am still trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in. Sometimes I’m jealous of the people who have managed to get it back together…I don’t know how to get to that point, but I also don’t know if I am ready to be back there either. So yep, pretty much in the same place.

Besides that, I have been loving some of the challenges that have come my way. While I wasn’t sure electronic field production would be a good match for me, I must say that I am really enjoying that class. I had some doubts at the beginning of the year. Wasn’t sure if this was really the right career for me to be in, but after spending time working on productions for class, I know it is. I absolutely loving being part of something creative. Whether I land a job in this industry though will be another story.

Filming our Take Away Show

Leave a Comment

Internship

December 30, 2011 at 3:3 8 (Film, Life)

Well as always it has been a while since I updated my blog. This past semester it felt like I was taking 3 lvl 400 classes when in actuality I only had one. Definitely was a long and tough, but I really enjoyed 3 out of the 4 classes, so it made it worth the pain, especially since my Producer class is dealt with what I want to do with my major.

This fall has been a stressful one since a) my dad has been out of work since August (he has actually only worked about 2 1/2 months this year) and b) I only have a year left of college and have no idea what I am going to do when I get out. With the economy in bad shape I know a lot of college students worry about finding a job, but being a film major adds on extra stress. Unlike business, nursing, teaching, ect getting your foot in the door for working in this field is a lot harder. It has more to do with who you know than what you know. I could have one of the greatest work ethics, but if I can’t get my foot in the door in either a job or internship, it won’t mean anything once I graduate. My professors are also very keen on reminding us students that most of what we will find once we graduate is freelance work and that we are up against a lot of other very talented people out there, so yeah hearing that over and over again and looking at my less than amazing resume definitely added some pressure.

One of the things that I had been praying for this semester is that God would show me where to go or what I am supposed to do. Fast forward to November, in my Producer class we had a guy come in who owns his own company here in MD (MD isn’t great for film work) and who also mentioned having a program for interns. I was both nervous and excited since his company takes things from development through to distribution which is awesome and the program would be right up my alley. Most of the internship opportunities that arise seem to be editing, field work, or being an assistant on sets which is a great opportunity, but at times they require you to have a resume. So I made a mental note to try and contact him unsure whether I had a chance to even get an interview, but when one of my classmates asked how he prepares himself to pitch an idea to a client for funding…his answer was that he is a believer and he prays before he goes into a meeting. That right there to me was kind of like a door being opened, not only was this internship one that I wanted and fit into what my major was but the man who owned the company was a believer as well.

So I went home excited and told the news to my mom. She listened and just happened to ask what the man’s name was and once I told her who it was, she laughed because it ends up that his parents live at the end of our street and my parents knew him (though it had been a while) from young life or something like that. Long story short, my dad called him to put in a good word for me, my professor this semester put in a good word for me (since my boss is good friends with my professor) and I got the internship. It is six months, non paid which most are and will provide me with not only work experience but some good contacts as well. I’ve been at DBM Communications for almost a month and absolutely love what I do! It definitely lets me know that I’ve picked the right field to be in since I get the opportunity to be creative while using my business sense to bring a story to life. Even if working in the film industry doesn’t pan out for me, I’ve learned some valuable skills and have a back up plan of applying for a marketing, writing or producing at Bioware

I still struggle with figuring out where I stand and how I am supposed to work through all this deprogramming or whatever you prefer to call it

Leave a Comment

Desecration

October 28, 2011 at 3:3 8 (Film, Life, My Spiritual life)

Desecration- To divert from sacred to a profane use or purpose (dictionary.com definition).

This is one of my new favorite words. It is also the current working title of my script that if everything works out will be the project I shoot after I graduate from college.

No matter how hard I try and move away from what has been desecrated…I always seem to get stuck once again wrestling with who/what I am now. This has particularly been an issue as I try and write out my script. Long story short, I am writing a drama that has to deal with the problems within the institutionalized organization known as the Christian church. Definitely not something easy to take on, but it is something that needs to be looked at, especially this newer reformed movement and the best way I know how to do this is through writing. Of course, with this journey, like any writing journey, it is a self exploration as well, which has caused me no end of wrestling as I try and figure out what I think and feel.

You see, I am at a very odd place in life and I hate being caught in the grey area. Growing up, I always believed that if you were a carnal Christian you weren’t saved…unfortunately, I also didn’t think too highly of people who watched/listened to secular music either. I know I was a total hypocrite and there is no end to the cringing I do when I look back at the old me, but while I am repulsed at that old person,I am not sure how I feel about this new me. I cannot for the life of me figure out where I fall or what I am. The men, I used to respec,t have desecrated what Christianity is and should look like in action. They taught and implied there was only one way to really be a believer and they based it off of works you did, instead of the free gift of salvation, all the while sending mixed signals to us on how we could tell if we were “truly saved.” All of this has left me cynical and even several years down the road, I cannot help but be repulsed by a lot of what I see. The stories of people from my generation who have grown up in this organization show just how screwed up the teachings are from this reformed movement.

Believe it or else (as my dad would say ), I don’t want my story to be too cynical and I want it to have a balance of respect, while I also point out the flaws. My main target isn’t the secular market. I mean, after all, any time you put the words Christian and scandal together, people flock to it because who doesn’t like to watch hypocritical people fall? Instead, I want this to be a story that causes Christians to think. I want them to start questioning their leaders when things don’t add up. I want them to start standing up for the least of these, instead of being swept away by “christian stars.” I want people to start thinking for themselves instead of trusting that these so called “leaders” know what they are talking about in any and all situations. There are probably other points I would love to make, but, if people only take one thing away, I want them to think. Too often we get comfortable if we feel secure and that is when we let ourselves go and it is in that moment we let the wolves in.

I am sure that I will piss off people with the topics, I am choosing, to cover in my story. Some may see this as being christian bashing and that it will “push non-believers further away from Christianity.” My reply, to that, is that the current Christian culture is already doing a good job of that on their own by being hypocritical, judgmental, and requiring others to be honest while they themselves don’t show any humility or honesty. Of course, as I say all this, I do keep in mind that five years ago I would have been that person arguing those points. Maybe this is the cycle that will just continue to play until it all ends and maybe my voice is pointless but even if that is true I would rather waste my breath than remain silent. Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” It is a shame that so many good leaders have turned their backs on the truth and have let evil desecrate that which is Holy.

Leave a Comment

12 A.M.

September 21, 2011 at 3:3 8 (Uncategorized)

I’ve been back to school for three weeks now and have gotten into a nice swing. This semester is a little odd for me but in a good way. Normally, I am all stressed out about the workload and feel like a fish out of water, but this semester not so much. I did at the beginning start to panic that I might not be cut out for this, but that has kind of gone away. I think part of it being that this semester my marketing, producing, and writing class are all something that tend to be more of my stronger areas. While I may not know a lot about producing, the tediousness of the tasks and the business aspect make the homework enjoyable. As for my writing class, I came in having a pretty thorough idea of the story I want to tell so it makes that homework not too hard either. The only class I am unsure of is editing. If I was just messing around with editing something for fun that is one thing, but doing it for a class when this doesn’t come naturally for me is hard.

So yeah, school wise life is well good…regular life on the other hand I could do without.

I am beginning to reach that point where I am just plain tired of treading this stupid water (sound familiar?). It seems like every time things begin to look up, I am smacked with something that ruins it. I know it probably seems like I say this every year…but this past year (from Nov 2010-now) has been horrible! I don’t expect life to be fair, growing up with a rare disease makes you realize how unfair it is, but I would like just some time maybe a year to catch my breath before heading into crap. There are only a few good things I can think of that occurred this year and they do not in any way outweigh the bad. If this keeps up I may just let myself drown cause by golly this feeling of treading water is worse.

In a nutshell that is the end of my August and most of Sept. As you can tell it has been bleh and to make matters worse, I am just in a plain old argumentative mood…well not with everyone but there are some people who I wouldn’t mind picking a fight with…verbally that is.

So here is to the wonderful holiday season( sarcastic tone) not a big fan of Christmas or Thanksgiving anymore…maybe because I’ve worked retail 5 years and am trying to find a job again in retail. Though I do love the fall weather and snow, so I will definitely be praying for a double blizzard again. I probably won’t be writing a ton this semester unless something uber amazing happens with my Independent film idea and/or some breaking news happens with the whole SGM debacle which by the way only continues to get interesting. Leave men in charge of an organization that they run to stroke their egos and all you get is some good plot material.

So yeah, that is currently my thought process as of 12 A.M. on a Tuesday night.

Leave a Comment

Wartburg Watch

September 2, 2011 at 3:3 8 (Random thoughts)

As always Deb and Dee over at the wartburgwatch.com have put up a wonderful and thought provoking post. Will give a warning here, this post is about Driscoll so therefore as you would imagine it can be a little explicit. Here is the link: http://thewartburgwatch.com/2011/08/29/mark-driscoll-i-watch-molestations-and-affairs-in-progress/#comment-26170

After reading Deb & Dee’s thoughts and looking over the comments I cannot help but feel unsettled. How is it that this man who is a leader can get away with saying stuff like this at the pulpit and still get backed up by the other RBD (Reformed Big Dogs)? Where is the integrity of these men and why aren’t they calling Driscoll out on the crap he pulls? Granted, I think someone mentioned this discussion was given a while ago but Driscoll continues to say questionable things.

Can I just say that we are letting the Bride of Christ get sullied by men like this? Why have we become so passive? If a regular congregant were to try and even speak some of what Driscoll has said I am sure there would be sharp repercussions yet we give leniency to leaders? Talk about showing partiality. How easily we have we become duped by men?

We as individuals have a voice and as a congregation we have an even louder voice yet we refuse to use it. Why is that? Do we really crave idols that badly that we let men preach obscene things like this or lies from the pulpit?

May God have mercy on us as we let our eyes become fixated on a mere human instead of Him.

Leave a Comment

Epiphany

August 30, 2011 at 3:3 8 (Film, Life)

Wow, today may be a two post day. For some reason I just have a lot floating around in my mind.

For the last two weeks I’ve been restless. Since this happened recently, I figured that meant something was going to be happening, so I should just spend my time waiting. Well, unlike other times I kind of felt that this was a little more directed (which has happened before) so I figured I would just roll with it. One of the things I started to realize was how badly I wanted to try and make a script I have into a film. I figured if there was any time to take a gamble it was after graduating. As the days continued my restlessness waxed and waned as I began preparing for another semester of school (which I start tomorrow).

My initial thoughts about working on an Independent film were:

It would look good for my portfolio.
I really loved my story and believed in it.

Today as I was standing on a ladder painting the garage a scene flashed through my mind, it was a scene that I have yet to add into my script. My characters were clear and the conflict even clearer. I don’t know if anyone can relate but often times I don’t feel like the author of my work. Instead, I feel like I am just a special spectator who is allowed to see a scene before others and it is my job to write it down. After the scene stopped and I put a mental note down that I needed to add that to my script, I felt God telling me that this is what I was supposed to do create this film. The doubts I had about all the work or financing I may need to find just kind of slipped away. What was important was the story and telling it. It is hard to explain, it is as if a weight was put on me…but one that didn’t bog me down. I knew there is no turning back now.

I am not exactly sure how this is going to come together or how I will get what I need, but that at this point seems moot. If this is what I am supposed to be doing it will happen.

For some this might sound absolutely crazy…I can totally understand. I wish it was something I could explain better. I honestly believe that there are some people in life that were created with one purpose to fulfill and I think I am one of them. Its like being a puzzle piece. You don’t just fit anywhere in the puzzle, there is a specific slot allocated just for you and when you are where you need to be you just know.

Leave a Comment

Coming Out…

August 25, 2011 at 3:3 8 (Life, SGM)

The longer I am out of SGM/GCC, the more I realize how much I have kept hidden. Before, I never really knew who I was and I didn’t allow myself to be comfortable being me.

Growing up there was always a hierarchy with the people I considered my “friends.” It wasn’t spoken of and people would deny it, but it was obvious. By high school it made things weird in many ways. For those unfamiliar, I was home schooled through high school and so were my friends. This meant we spent a lot of time together at church, youth group, and co-op. All of this contact made us (they would consider friends) very close acquaintances.

My Sophomore year is when I think I really started hiding who I was and I began putting on a facade. There were other things that lead to this ,of course. By this time, I was 15 and my interests were different than my peers. I have never been a person who follows the crowd, I will stand up for what I believe, no matter how unlikely it is that I have a chance of winning and I don’t let others tell me what to do. That being said though, growing up in an environment where depravity is the main thing that is taught and being encouraged in subtle ways to conform to a “specific” mold, can still mess with your mind no matter how strong you are.

Yesterday, as I was painting, I started to realize that I am tired of feeling like I have to apologize for who I am. My close friends and family know this about me but, I decided it was time to put it in writing. I am a closet hard core gamer (and here you were probably thinking I was going to share something juicy ) Now when I say hardcore, I mean I am into things like- Heavy Rain, Mass Effect trilogy, KOTOR, Fallout3, Elder Scrolls & some mmo’s like LOTRO (I’ve met some awesome friends on this game ) and SWTOR.

Doesn’t seem like a big deal, does it? Maybe for some it isn’t, but as a teen my “friends” would roll their eyes, make remarks and remind me that a Christian music group I liked, at the time, was my idol. The reason? Because I viewed them as my role models, bought a lot of their stuff and would go to their concerts twice a year with my mom for mother/ daughter trips. Getting tired of these reactions, I learned it was better just to curb whatever I said to the people around me and just hide whatever wouldn’t be “acceptable” to them. So for me this is a big,little step (oxymoron, I know).

I do have to say, I have truly been blessed with awesome parents who have never tried to make me be more girly or whatever. They have never rolled their eyes at who I look up to or made condescending remarks about what I do with my time. I am actually harder on myself than they would be. I am also fortunate to be in a major where I am surrounded by people who don’t really care what you are interested in…this is what I get for picking a more creative major

Its freeing getting to know yourself and coming to a place where you are okay with who you were made to be. I am sure there are other areas that are hidden that I need to wrestle with and conquer but for now, I will take each step that comes my way.

Leave a Comment

Middle of August Thoughts

August 18, 2011 at 3:3 8 (Uncategorized)

I can’t believe it is August 18th already! Where has the time gone? This last week I’ve been recuperating after getting all four of my wisdom teeth removed. Lucky me also had all four of them impacted, but I am glad to say it all went well and I can almost eat real food I’ve been dreaming of chick-fil-a, éclairs, and chipotle burritos.

Besides getting my teeth out, I’ve also been trying to prepare for my seniorish year of college. Technically, I am not really a senior, seeing as I have a year and a half left of school. I am excited for this semester since I get to take a script writing, producing and marketing class, but I am also nervous. I really have to get serious over the next year and start signing up to help with productions and stuff. It is definitely going to be a challenge to push myself out there, but this will help me either make it or break it.

On a side note, I am still watching closely what is happening with SGM. Recently a reporter (from the Washington Post) contacted Kris from survivors and said she was interested in talking to people who wanted to share their stories. There are a lot of opinions floating around whether this is a good or bad move. While I have a strong opinion leaning one way, I think right now, praying for those considering is more important. They need to follow what God is calling them to do whether the majority of us agree or disagree. So my prayers go out to the families who are contemplating this step. I pray that they would be given wisdom and a sense of peace as they make their decision. Whether we view their moves as a mistake or something good, God can turn any situation into one that will glorify Him!

I have a feeling though that this may only be the beginning.

Leave a Comment

What Now?

August 4, 2011 at 3:3 8 (Life, SGM)

I’ve been giving this question a lot of thought. From the moment I left up until today I still have the same desire to pray and warn those I care about and any who will listen. Of course, this had made me less then popular with some people and I was reminded of this recently.

After posting my note Vindication on my blog and fb, some found what I said offensive enough to remove me from their friends list. To be honest at first it stung a little even though I knew that this could be the response…now I find it sad, not as much since I lost an acquaintance (that is what we had become), but more because with each day something worse seems to come around.

Over the last couple of weeks both Noel & Grizzly’s, Wallace & Happymom, SGMnot and Ex-Clcer’s stories have been given a lot of attention (For those interested links to their stories at the bottom of post). These stories pertain to child molestation. The church, in which Noel and Happymom had their horrible experience, released a kind of “I’m sorry” family message that in some ways did sound sincere until the small twists in language began turning it around to paint the victims in a negative light through subtle comments. To make that message worse, Noel and Happymom said there were inconsistencies with the stories given… and from my experience with SGM pastors, I am sure this is true. Right now, Happymom is working on her rebuttal with specifics on the lies shared. If you want to judge for yourself, read their stories and then listen carefully to what is said…I could pick out a handful myself of where the leaders were doublespeaking.

With these stories getting more attention and The Wartburg Watch (TWW) following closely to what is happening in SGM (btw TWW has no affiliation to SGM but these woman have been studying it, Driscoll, SBC and probably more), I believe a day is not far off where things will get a lot worse for the congregations of SGM churches.

While I am for truth being revealed, I also want desperately to warn those who cannot see what is coming. I don’t want them to be like deer caught in headlights (though many are choosing that option instead of listening to what is being shared). So what do I do now? I cannot mention things like Noel’s story, Happymom’s, ex-Clcer’s or anyone else’s without people bringing the gossip and slander card to me. Any mention of the “blogs” (sgmsurvivors & sgmrefuge) turns people away as the voices on there (including my own) have been labeled dissenters or we have been perceived as the “enemy.”

From the day I began to realize I couldn’t keep quiet, I knew I would have to give up everything- friends, my social life and the emotional support I received from people besides my family. That was the price I was willing to pay and still to this day I am not sorry I chose this path. I just wish that those still at Grace and in SGM abroad would have the plugs removed from their ears and be willing to listen without immediately judging these stories as gossip. If walking through the hell my family went through the last year all over again would mean that there would be true repentance in how situations were handled and that the congregation would be more receptive to the truth being spoken then I would do it…though I don’t relish the thought of reliving any of it.

This whole situation is depressing and is just another reminder of how, if we don’t learn from our past, we are doomed to repeat it. Whether people want to believe it or not, the Shepherding movement is alive and well, it just has a new name.

So what do I do now? I guess I continue to stand here being that annoying person who won’t shut up. It can only be a matter of time before serious matters like what is being shared hits a bigger platform or someone stumbles across it.

Here are the links to their stories.

Noel and Grizzly-http://www.sgmsurvivors.com/?p=276&cp=all#comments

Wallace and Happymom-http://www.sgmsurvivors.com/?p=2130

ExClcer-http://www.sgmsurvivors.com/?p=2623

SGMnot-http://www.sgmsurvivors.com/?p=2658

1 Comment

« Older entries